Impostor Syndrome

While there are many reasons I love my girlfriend Jordan; perhaps one of the more important is how intelligent she is. We often have incredibly deep and complex discussions on a variety of topics. Her perspectives are always well thought out and nuanced. One evening a few months ago we were talking and somehow landed on the subject of my military service.

I was Active Duty Army for almost 10 years and deployed several times to the Middle East while in the Army and one time as a Department of Defense contractor. By any measure I’ve done my part to serve and defend the country that I love. Why then do I feel awkward when people thank me for my service? Why is there a sense of guilt when using Military discounts or benefits? Why do I feel the need to downplay my contributions? When I presented all this to Jordan her reply and was quick and direct: Impostor Syndrome

I’d previously chalked up my feelings on the matter to a multitude of factors that, while having some validity, certainly didn’t leave me unworthy of praise. My job in the Army didn’t require me to be on the front lines, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t important; quite the opposite actually. Thankfully I emerged from multiple deployments unscathed both physically and mentally, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have lingering issues that rear their ugly head on occasion. While I didn’t deploy as many times as some people, I was gone enough that it had a detrimental effect on my personal life. Sure I didn’t retire from the Army like others, but I did give almost a decade of my life in service to my country; more if you consider that I spent the next 4 plus years working for Redstone Arsenal in Huntsville, AL. Despite all the above, I always felt unworthy of the praise people heaped on me.

Once I read up on Impostor Syndrome it was quite obvious that it was the cause of many of my feelings towards the Army as well as several other areas of my life like work and interpersonal relationships. Why do I bring this up in a blog about mountain bike racing? I’m glad you asked.

When I was in the Army I excelled physically at a handful of things. One of those was ruck marching. I was an excellent runner, often the fastest in the company/battery, battalion, and brigade. Because I was a fast runner and skinny I was often the target of smack talk when it came time to ruck march as a unit. They assumed because I was skinny that I’d lag behind on the ruck marches. I’d often prove exactly the opposite by finishing the rucks faster then most people, while also carrying more weight to prove a point...both to them and myself. That point was “I’m faster then you and there’s nothing you can do about it”, but also “If I can do this I really do belong here”. It was a challenge to myself to prove that I wasn’t an impostor or fraud.

Hopefully now you can see where I’m going with this. At 41 years old I’ve moved beyond the need to prove things to other people; but I still feel the need to prove things to myself. I truly do love riding a singlespeed, but part of the reason I did it was to prove to myself that I could. That it wasn’t gears and fancy full suspension that tamed that trail, but skill and determination. In a perfect world with no injuries I’d still ride full rigid. This is the reason that I delayed moving to full suspension as the injuries piled up. I was determined to find a way to deal with sore hands, back spasms, lower back pain, etc. Anything less was unacceptable.

Immediately after buying the Top Fuel I felt like I’d failed; like I’d thrown in the towel on my goals. It took a couple days for me to realize that it was actually the opposite. My goal for 2020 was to compete in all the Chainbuster 6 Hour races and finish Shenandoah 100. I realized that giving up would’ve been just not showing up on race day. Instead I did the exact opposite by dropping several thousand dollars on a new bike just so I could go do the race!!! It was akin to pushing all my chips to the center of the table while staring down my opponent…which in this case is my own body. Moving to gears and suspension wasn’t failure, it was making adjustments so that I could succeed at what I set out to do.

Have I moved past feeling like a failure or an impostor? While I’d like to say yes its just not that simple. As of this moment my singlespeed is in the basement waiting for some parts to be replaced. I walk past it when I do laundry and still feel a tinge of regret for not being able to follow through on my initial plans. That being said, I feel positive about the remaining race schedule for the first time in months. Am I going to feel like failure at the end of the season? Possibly, but keeping focus on what I did accomplish instead of what I didn’t will be key to keeping those demons at bay.

This weekend begins my return to racing in the geared classes. Over the last few weeks I’ve working to get the Top Fuel to its completed form and its finally there. Reclaimed is coming on Saturday at 5-Points. Jordan and I are headed up to Cloudland Canyon on Friday to make a camping weekend of it. So even if the race doesn’t go quite as planned we’ll have a good time. I’m looking forward to what a return to the geared class will bring.